DIR funny stuff...

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Posted by Wood on August 11, 2001 at 15:31:56:

I didn't write this, wish I had.

If you have problems laughing at yourself or are just so insecure that the slightest jab sends you reeling into a self-promoting diatribe, read something else.

One of my crew sent this to me:

"Hey Woody, this could be you : >....

I converted to DIR about 6 months ago and I have found that the
philosophy extends way beyond
diving. I think most people tend to view DIR as a gear configuration or
diving objective type of thing
but it really is a philosophy that you can use in other parts of your
life. For instance, below are just
some of the ways I've extended the DIR way of doing things into other
areas of my life.

Last week some of my buddies came over to my house. Now, not all of
them are divers but they
do understand the DIR philosophy. So, first off, we all drink the same
beer. This avoids any
situations where you might be enjoying a lager and accidentally pick up
an ale (or the other way
around). That can be very uncool. That could quickly lead to a panic
situation so we avoid it all

We also drink only from cans, no bottles. And we never put the beer in
the refrigerator. It always
goes in the ice chest in my living room. 47% of Drinking Related
Incidents (DRI) occur when
someone is going to the fridge for another beer so better to be safe
than sorry. Of course, this is
all rigged up while we're still 100% sober so there's no impaired
judgment once things get cooking.

All of us wear a bungee necklace with a full beer on it just in case
someone experiences an Out
Of Beer (OOB) emergency. I can offer my already opened beer to my buddy
and simply reach
down and grab the backup off my beer necklace. And, without exception,
we always use the 7 foot
hose on the beer bong.

Of course, we don't stay in every night so when we do decide to go out
we make sure we're still
DIR. All of us wear exactly the same clothing:

Levi's 501 Jeans (button hole, straight leg)
Gap Black T-shirt
Haynes boxer shorts, black
Gold Toe socks, black
Kenneth Cole shoes, Brad Bitt style
G-Shock watch, black band
Nylon belt, black, with military buckle
Black Leather Jacket (optional, depending on weather conditions)

This may sound a bit silly or overdone but believe me, when you're
penetrating a night club,
knowing exactly what you buddies are dressed like can make all the
difference in the world if
you're hoping to snag some hottie. Let's say I see some cutie and just
before I get up to go talk to
her a waitress spills a drink in my lap? No problem, because I can
always swap pants with my
buddy. I don't have to worry if they match, because I know he's wearing
Levi's 501's. Bam, swap
pants and I can still complete my objective.

One thing to keep in mind about night clubs is that you seldom want to
penetrate a club on beer. I
know, some of the macho jerks do this and brag to all of their buddies
but believe me, it's not DIR.
You have to do it on mixed drinks. Obviously the mix will be different
on different nights but a good
vodka tonic mix is pretty standard. Again, there's a right way and a
wrong way to do this. You
can't just order any old vodka or depend on some bartender to get the
mix right. That's what the
strokes do. No, you order Stoli vodka which has an excellent reputation
in the DIR partying
community. The correct blend is 2oz Stoli with tonic water poured over
ice in a highball glass
(lemon or lime optional). I always bring a testing kit with me and if
the blend is off, I send it back.
It's just not worth the risk and it's not DIR.

So you penetrate the night club and you've got a good mix, now it's
time to meet the ladies. I
should have said this earlier but watch your drink consumption. It's a
well known fact that women
look 25% - 30% better in a night club and if you get all narc'd up on
vodka tonic, it increases your
chances of a coyote ugly blackout. You have to keep your wits about

If it's early, you probably have pretty good viz. Later in the evening
when the smoke silts up the
room it'll be harder to make out the women on the other side of the
club so get your headings
early. On a few occasions I've had to bust out the wreck reel just to
get to the bathroom and back.

If you are lucky enough to hook up with a nice hottie, this is when
doing it right really can pay off.
Now, let's face it, there's a certain degree of danger involved here
that I don't want to downplay.
You need to minimize your risks by using the proper equipment. I carry
2 condoms. One I put on .
. . well you know, and the second I put on a bungee that goes around my
waist. If there's a
malfunction on my primary, I can quickly go to my backup without hardly
skipping a beat.

So, as you can see from these pretty basic examples, DIR is not just
for diving. It's something you
can use in all areas of your life.

Keep it real,"

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