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Posted by Ken Kurtis on December 04, 2002 at 10:16:35:

A diving buddy of mine sent this to me and I thought I'd share it with the BBS.

- Ken
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HOW TO FAIL YOUR OPEN WATER TEST.
* Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
* Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
* Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
* Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".
* Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
* Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
* Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with
2000 pounds of air in it.
* When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR BUDDY IS SUFFERING FROM NARCOSIS
* He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
* You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
* He pees in his dry suit.
* His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
* Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
* He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

WHAT NOT TO SAY ON A DIVE BOAT
* "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
* "Buddy???? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
* "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
* "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
* "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
* "Is that your mask under my tank?"

WHEN DO YOU NEED TO PRACTICE BETTER BUOYANCY CONTROL?
* You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
* You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
* The only place you can hover is at the surface.
* On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
* You use 750 psi for breathing and 2250 psi for your BC.
* You are certain you went for only one dive, but your computer has logged three.
* You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

HOW GOOD IS YOUR INSTRUCTOR?
You know more than your instructor when: -
* You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
* He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
* He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
* He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
* His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
* You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
* If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
* He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
* He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.
* He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

DO YOU KNOW YOUR BUDDY?
Does your buddy hate you if: -
* He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?
* He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
* When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel?
* When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off?
* You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
* He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet?
Is your buddy experienced if: -
* He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
* He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
* He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
* He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run Windows '98
* He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
* He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
* He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I now it's time to surface"?



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