Non-diving tribute to Rodney Dangerfield

Outer Bamnks diving on the Great Escape Southern California Live-Aboard Dive Boat

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Posted by AADIVER on October 23, 2004 at 22:04:09:

A Memorial Homage to Rodney Dangerfield.
Some of his humor :

My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years; I don't want to interrupt her.

I'm at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life.
In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He told me I was being ridiculous; I haven't met everyone yet.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out.
I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.

My wife loves to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I wanna tell you I was ugly.
I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist and he stuck his fingers in my mouth.
I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.
I was so ugly, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
I was so ugly, my mother got morning sickness after I was born.
I was so ugly, when I'd play in the sandbox, the cat would keep covering me up.

I went to the doctor and said, "Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What's wrong?" The doctor said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I once dated a girl that was so wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

My wife, she's another one. Last night our house caught fire and I heard her tell the kids, "Shhh, be quiet; you'll wake your father."

I dated a girl. She called me on the phone and said, "Come over; there's no one home." I went over,

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to Science Fiction.

I like to go to bed with 2 girls. That way when I fall asleep, they can talk to each other.

Boy was I poor growing up. I was so poor, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

One day as I was coming home from work early, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said, "Hey buddy, why are you jogging naked?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My parents hated me as a kid. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember when I was kidnapped. They sent my parents a piece of my finger.
My father said he wanted more proof.

I was so ugly, my dad carried around pictures of the kid that came with the wallet.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

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